10. Rise of the Dark Spark
While this game isn't total garbage, it's still got a couple of things that irk me badly. The gameplay mechanics are still good, but I can't help but feel that this Dark Spark idea is less about crossover potential and more about making a game that's got to do with the Cybertron characters and the Age of Extinction characters at the same time. I say this because all AOE media showed up two years after FOC was released (no new Michael Bay TF movie was around in 2013). Looking at the cover gives the impression that Activision's way of celebrating the 30th anniversary of Transformers would be a massive event for the video game side of things, but looks are always deceiving...
The idea of having the Dark Spark travel dimensions and cause fear among the Autobots is not a terrible thing, as it allows the Matrix of Leadership to have a contrasting artifact that would appeal to the antagonists of the game. It was neat to see show up in the Movieverse to help make it distinguishable from the actual movie's plot, and its involvement in the Cybertron setting did give SOME form of an idea regarding what happened before the events of FOC.
The problem is that the game makes it seem like it's going to be a big crossover for the Transformers of both worlds, which was seen from time to time in the comics but is one thing I would love to see in games, shows, and even movies. Sadly, it's not the case. The actual game depicts the Movie Autobots witnessing the Dark Spark in Lockdown's possession, then it cuts to a good chunk of Cybertron levels before we're back with the Movie Transformers and the slightly smaller chunk of levels that they own. All while not having either universe's characters show up. Oh but we do get an ending cutscene with G1 Optimus Prime, but that's still not enough. The closest you're going to get with having the Transformers from AOE and WFOC is in the now inactive online mode. I didn't need to have every single Transformer show up (though it raises questions regarding the severe lack of Movie characters in contrast to the Cybertron ones), but I'd at least want to see these two universes clash, even if the FOC characters wouldn't acknowledge the crossover now that the Aligned media has already established fiction.
The worst part about the game is how rushed it feels. You would think the reused Cybertron assets (even ones that don't make sense like Megatron's upgraded body or the Crystal Guardians cloning Sentinel Zeta Prime) would help ease the development team with making the Movie designs on the same levels of quality, right? Sadly, that's not the case. The environments and robot designs look on-par with the quality seen in the PS2, Gamecube, and Xbox consoles, but the thing is, the Armada game made for the PS2 looked better than the Movie assets in the game, and even the first movie's game, for all its faults, looked more polished than the AOE designs in ROTDS. And it also doesn't help when you have the Movie characters reuse the same guns that the Cybertron characters brandish, or when Grimlock plays like his FOC counterpart to the point of outright having the same animations.
All in all, this game doesn't live up to the legacy of the previous two Cybertron games and even the previous two Movie games. It's not horrible, but at the same time, it leaves plenty to be desired. Maybe I'm in the minority for thinking that a crossover would have been perfect, but it'd be so great to have different Transformers universes meet each other since it seemed only the TFCC comics would do that. At least Forged to Fight made use of the crossover stuff pretty well, even if it has a lot more G1 characters than ones for the Movies and Beast Era.
9. Transformers: The Last Knight
For any of you that secretly wished me to talk shit about a Michael Bay Transformers film, here you go. Transformers: The Last Knight is a big-time letdown of a movie, and a trend I've noticed with other film franchises that aim for the big victory yet fall very short. I remember seeing the trailer for this movie and saying "Holy shit, I'm back with 10 times the Bayhem hype!", but looking back, it's a disappointment that still makes me wish it had more going for it.
The film promises of a story that'd seem massive on a scale that I don't think even Dark of the Moon had. The Autobots and their ragtag human ally Cade Yeager rethink the past as they discover the Transformer Knights that interacted with the human race in the past as they meet the last of the Order of the Witwiccans and avoid the Decepticons and the Transformer Reactionary Force. Their foes, the brainwashed Optimus Prime (now named Nemesis Prime), and the protection of the Talisman will make their adventure big, especially with the impending rise of Unicron and the orbit of Cybertron. Sounds awesome, right?Well...
The problem is just how so much of it is barely used or isn't used at all. Stuff like Nemesis Prime, The Decepticon crew Megatron has, Cade's role as the Last Knight, the knights themselves, and the idea of Unicron are barely used in this movie, and stuff like the Order of the Witwiccans, the quest for Merlin's staff, Cogman's role as a Headmaster, Izzy and her partner Squeeks, the Baby Dinobots, and the TRF add so little to the movie that they might as well not be there. I personally see no problem with how many characters or plotlines are used in the other four movies because they at least have something to do with the movie they're each in, but The Last Knight instead feels like a thought bubble that starts to add far too many ideas in one mix that it results in a barely satisfying film. It's as the saying goes, too many cooks in the kitchen isn't always a good thing. Maybe fewer writers in the TLK writer room is more.
I might sound a little crazy, but I have a feeling that there's a different version of this film somewhere...I know some will try to make a bad Snyder Cut joke and all, but I'm being serious when I say that a part of me feels this movie's missing a lot of content that could either fill in the gaps or replace what's already in the film itself. I know there's a different cut of the movie, but all we have is altered dialogue, and it barely changes the context of the film. It sucks because I remember being excited that Lorenzo Di Bonaventura said we'd get a TF6, a sequel to Bumblebee, and an extended version of TLK before he backtracked his statements a day later. Now I'll be stuck with what we ended up with for The Last Knight, which isn't the only Transformers movie I dislike (though the other one I'll mention has...other problems). Also, is it me, or did it imply time travel would take place when it showed the WWII scenes and Bee getting put back together in the commercials? I don't know at this point...
8. G1 cartoon
This cartoon may be a classic, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's good. I'll admit that I once thought it was a masterpiece when I first saw it, but as the years went by, I started to have second thoughts regarding this show. I know many will say I'm being too harsh on a cartoon that started it all (which is wrong when the Marvel Comics were the first-ever pieces of fiction), but it's hard to agree when the show aged like milk left in the hot summer. Like, I get that it's iconic and means a lot to people, but it's no Batman: The Animated Series or Gargoyles (and even I find the former a little overrated).
In terms of positives, I appreciate the animation of this show. When it's not ridden with errors or poor tolerances, The Transformers can be one of the nicest-looking cartoons in the 1980s, especially considering how fluid some of the animation can be for what it is. Toei animated the first two seasons, and they did an amazing job in making the show look nice, even if they end up rushing shit to meet schedule demands. Also nice is the voice acting for most of the characters, especially Peter Cullen, Frank Welker, Gregg Berger, and Corey Burton. The music's fine, though some of it feels a little basic. My favorite episodes include Countdown to Extinction and The Ultimate Doom, which says very little about how the rest of the show works (as it mostly relies on the Autobots hearing the Decepticons are up to no good so they stop them until next time).
I even kind of like the segments that contain Powermaster Optimus Prime in the Season 5 rerun episodes that aired in 1988, what with the effort put in the puppet work. Obviously not as robust as the CGI used in modern media, but you can't fault the designers aside from the time part of it fell on the hand (thankfully, Jason Jenson wasn't on the hand when that happened).
Despite all that, there are plenty of problems that I have with the G1 cartoon as a whole. Chief among them including the overcrowded casts. It's already a problem the Autobots have, but it gets worse with both factions when some of the characters reuse robot designs (looking at you, Seekers), personalities are copied (Red Alert and Breakdown, anyone?), and when we get far too many gestalts and titans within a relatively quick time period. The 1986 characters at least feel a little more distinct from one another, as the Autobots at least have characters that are all fairly unique from one another in terms of personality.
There's also stuff like the animation errors, which range from incorrect colors on characters to incorrect scale (especially in the AKOM days)...
...and the continuity errors are no better, especially when the cartoon claims that Megatron was made by the Constructicons when an older episode established he reprogrammed them with the Robo-Smasher...
...and then there are some of the WTF moments this show has. They range from stuff that one would expect in kid's shows to nonsense like this. Why would the Autobots wear lab coats in the first place?
To the credit of the 1986 movie, which isn't on this list as it's the least-flawed part of the G1 cartoon, it's the best-animated part of series as well having a stronger focus on quality than the cartoon wished it could have. That being said, I'll still fault it for making its deaths on the characters feel weightless after the cartoon depicted them surviving enemy fire, and there's other stuff like the blatant Star Wars ripoff nature of the film and having no backstory for Unicron (which makes me prefer he didn't have one after witnessing the stupid space monkey). Also, where did Optimus get his Matrix from if it was never mentioned or revealed in the other episodes?
All in all, this cartoon's in real need of criticism. Between the bloated characters, the repetitive story, the dip in quality after the movie, and the overall continuity not being as sharp as it could be, I don't really see why there's much to praise with the show beyond I guess the nostalgia fans would have. Still, I'll happily take these out of context screencaps as a way to poke fun at the show when it starts to get absurd. It makes me wish when G+ was around and someone would make gags on the series.
7. Energon
I remember reading a book about Transformers Energon and thinking it'd be a great series to watch someday. I saw a commercial for the home video releases of the show on a VHS tape of Fairly Oddparents, and my interest grew even more. Sadly, this TV show sucks badly. Now, Armada and Cybertron aren't perfect shows, but Armada at least got better as time went on. Cybertron has some weird stuff within it, but it at least feels worthwhile if you set aside stuff like the animation. This show deserves more heat than its sequel and prequel, and it deserves more hate than shows like Beast Machines and RID15 do.
The animation itself is better and worse than Armada. It's a lot more fluid and better done, yet I can't help but feel it's one of the biggest flaws of the show, especially with the robots. Their animations are stiff and they barely emote past the stock movements. It even hurts seeing stuff like dull surprise and characters opening and closing their mouths when shows like Beast Wars and Beast Machines predate Energon and utilize better animation overall. Certain moments of the show depict our characters in 2D like the humans are, so why can't the robots always be like that?
Story-wise, it initially begins strongly with the Autobots and their peace with the few Decepticons. The Terrorcons show up and cause trouble, while Alpha Q and Scorponik revive Megatron. After that, we get stuff like Megatron taking his soldiers back, their memories lost, and the return of Unicron. Oh, and Unicron makes his return just about every 13 episodes. It gets repetitive and it also means relying on filler episodes that would otherwise not be needed. It's also bad at making very little use out of the concepts like the one-sided gimmick known as Powerlinking (while the Decepticons have the crappy hyper modes). The three Maximus Combiners (Superion, Bruticus, and Constructicon) don't even appear often in their individual components while their limbs are drones. Character development's gone, too; setting aside the annoying stuff like Kicker and Ironhide, moments like Demolishor's faction conflict disappears when he turns into a Long Haul-looking robot and loses his memories while Inferno's damage done by Megatron isn't brought up when he returns as Roadblock.
The worst part about this series is how rushed it is. Animation's already rough as it is, but when garbage like random dub changes, repeating lines, characters flying in both modes (negating the purpose of each Transformer's altmode), and messing up far too much context for the story. It's awful, even by 2004 standards.
All in all, this show was a very rough piece of fiction that had potential, yet it fails on every level. Just a shame considering Armada and Cybertron wasn't too bad. Some will say "oh, it's a kids show, doesn't matter the quality", and I would show them the adult-oriented show that's even worse than this.
6. Prime Wars Trilogy
The WFC series may seem promising, but don't let that remind you of a trilogy called the Prime Wars, which I feel is worse than Energon as it barely utilized its themes and took far too long to even be developed. The Prime Wars trilogy was also made for older audiences, yet I don't think even they'd like it unless they're immediately attached to the G1-but-dark-and-mature gimmick that makes my eyes roll.
The ideas behind these series don't seem too bad at first glance. Long after the war ended, the Combiners begin to fight each other while the faction leaders have disappeared in time. Now they, along with Windblade, Rodimus, and Starscream must find a way to stop them. Later, Titans reawaken after Starscream causes havoc after his betrayal, and even later, Megatronus shows up and kills Optimus.
The problem with Machinima and Rooster Teeth's Transformers work is just about everything else, and it doesn't help how similar they are to the complaints put against Energon, but worse. I'm sure Hasbro and Machinima didn't want to just sell toys, but the combiners do very little and don't even separate regularly. Titans Return and Power of the Primes don't even have much of a focus on the Titans and Primes aside from Trypticon, Fort Max, Megatronus, and I guess Optimal Optimus.
Also, the animation and characters are a mixed bag. The scripts, as slow as they are, at least have good dialogue, though the characterizations of Windblade and Overload were criticized, with the out of character behavior of the former and the voice of the latter. Some will wish that more of the original voice actors returned, but I feel that the voices were fine for what they are (Jon Bailey's good when he's not in parody work, Jason Marnocha was great, and Hellboy's Ron Perlman is not shabby at all). And of course, the animation is not too hot, as the framerate and movement feel slow while the facial emotions are no better than Cybertron's. It attempted to feel like RID15's animation but worse, as RID15 at least had facial expressions that were more than just open and closed mouths.
This trio of terrible shows is why I'm worried for the results of the Netflix shows. The only differences between this and the Netflix War for Cybertron show are the different time periods and the toys used in their respective shows. Beyond that, I know it'll suffer from similar animation and story issues as it seemingly continues the same "G1 but dark and mature" gimmick. At least it'll mostly be on time, even if it's delayed, but I have no hope.
This 4chan/nyafuu image is immature but more entertaining than the actual show in an "Expand Dong" sort of way. Moving on...
5. Bumblebee
Inb4 angry fans get mad at me for talking shit about this film. But hey, if I'm not allowed to criticize this movie, what's the excuse of the people that hate Michael Bay? Look, I get that people love this movie more than anything and that it's the best thing ever in their eyes, but its appeal is just as minuscule as the hype for every non-big name Masterpiece figure, and when you set aside what made people gush about the film, it's honestly a mediocre movie that would easily have its plot recycled by other movies and you wouldn't even notice (doesn't help that it already copies most 80s movies that include coming-of-age stories and human-meets-otherworldly films).
I kind of feel bad for this film in some ways, as it almost wants to try and be like a prequel to MV1 while having all these irrelevant bits that make it feel like a reboot. I know that the original cut of the movie puts our yellow scout in a continuation of the WWII events from TLK, but I presume Paramount and Hasbro wanted the easy way out and instead made it seem like a standalone film. I understand that The Last Knight underperformed, and making the film on a lower budget would help the film perform better, but it feels more like they were desperate in winning fans over to the point where they had to change things to make themselves look good.
This film's reliance on nostalgia is an example of how desperate Paramount is in trying to win over the people that hated them since 2007. I know that it was going to take place in the 1980s, but it doesn't help when the film goes "HEY LOOK AT THIS EASTER EGG!!!", and if it's not the music or VHS tapes, it'll be referencing shows and other 80s stuff as if it adds to the plot. Those aren't enough either, as Travis thought "oi lets make the transformers totally like the one that'll appeal to the 80s fans and normies!"; honestly, the Cybertron stuff is on-par with Rogue One as people only praise those two for the nostalgia and not so much everything else. It's bad enough we've gotten in a trend where references are the only things that matter in a movie, but it also shows how everything else would be "lackluster" without the nostalgia. Even the Cybertron designs suck, as they look odd and feel more like they were stolen from some Deviantart fan, and the proportions of the Decepticons sum up how they're pretty much rushed solely to get the hype for people to clap at. God, I wish someone would make a video that's all "I CLAPPED WHEN I SAW THAT REFERENCE" like Red Letter Media did in Rogue One.
Also, and this is going to be pretty hard for others to swallow, but is this movie really necessary? I know that Paramount wanted to make money so they tried to win people over (even if they include the fans that hated them), but let's put this in perspective: this movie feels like the kind of filler you'd expect from films like Planes, Minions, certain superhero movie spinoffs, or even Hobbs & Shaw (yes, I went that route). It's made with the purpose of winning a quick buck and uses nostalgia to hide the fact that it's not even required for the main Transformers movie fiction. Why do I say that? Because it adds very little to Bumblebee, a character that we've already known for a long time. And now they want to make a spinoff movie for Optimus Prime, a Transformer that needs no introduction since he's been in just about every piece of fiction since 1984. Yeah. Sure.
All in all, the Bumblebee movie is an example of nostalgic fan service first, actual content second. on top of using the nostalgia to hide what little originality there is with this movie, it also feels throwaway when you think about how pointless it is to have a spinoff for a character that's established since the beginning of the franchise (just as boring as constantly rebooting Batman and Spider-Man immediately after a fairly recent one). The sad part is that if it weren't for Shatter and Dropkick, who were too damn good for this child's play, I'd forget about what little this film has to offer. Now I worry about the lack of ambition and creativity for future Transformers movies.
4. Transformers Tataki
I remember being super excited about this Japanese G1 game when I first saw it. The intro felt like the best thing ever, to the point where I would regularly watch it on my 3DS when I recorded it. I even saw footage of the transformation gallery and thought it was great stuff. Sadly, it took me a long time to actually try it out and realize just how bad it is. I don't expect it to have the quality of a modern-day video game, but at least make it as good as a normally acceptable PS2 game (also doesn't help when the Australian PS2 game based on Armada is one of the best PS2 games ever made).
The story depicts the Autobots (Optimus Prime, Jazz, Wheeljack) and the Decepticons (Megatron, Starscream, Soundwave) looking for their allies on the planet Zel Samine, where they each encounter one another before encountering their missing allies and later meeting the Transformers from the future (Rodimus, Kup, Arcee, Galvatron, Cyclonus, and Scourge). Apparently, 2010 Shockwave has grown tired of Galvatron and discovers the Zel Quartz, making him much stronger before losing control. Both factions look for the artifact but encounter other items, and they later meet each other at the ELTA power plant. Starscream takes the quartz from whoever has it, and the Transformers from the future return to their time period now that the Quartz is ineffective. One other thing I'll mention is despite being a Japanese game, the dialogue is actually English and even includes English voice actors...who happen to live in Japan and result in either passable or awful takes on the G1 cartoon voice actors. It makes you wonder if it was supposed to have a US release before facing cancellation due to Hasbro's lack of involvement or the game being bad.
You have the option to play in either faction, and they each have their own story to work with. While it's appreciative that you can play as the Autobots and Decepticons, the only ones that get the attention are the main 12 I mentioned above; while you do get to complete the roster one by one (with dull, repetitive cutscenes to boot), they're never seen in most of the story and only appear in the in-game cutscenes when they're accompanying you. Also, Shockwave's involvement in the present is ironically small, as he only shows up for one boss fight or accompanies your Decepticons. Sure, he's mentioned by the Decepticons from the future, but he is otherwise a worthless threat when the actual Decepticons are going to alter the past anyhow. Also funny how the Decepticons manage to lie about who they are while the Autobots attempt to remain silent about how they know the future (because they don't want to mess time up) until Rodimus suddenly decides to explain what happens BEFORE Optimus tells him to stop.
As for the gameplay overall, it's some of the worst I've ever seen and is honestly on par with the type of shovelware you'd expect on the PS2 and Wii games that were made late in their run. It's a 3D beat-em-up with RPG elements, and you can choose two other Transformers to accompany you. The problem is, when you set aside playing CGI versions of the old characters, what you end up with is a game that's sluggish in progression due to the way the controls are optimized. Despite having features like transforming, hand-to-hand combat, shooting, and special attacks, this game starts to get repetitive with the recycled fight animations and the constant barrage of enemies going after you. This wouldn't be an issue if it was actually possible to clear a path without dealing with not just an unreasonably close group of enemy Transformers but also devices used within a level or cannons that will push you back in the middle of a fight. And try not to punch your screen if you keep losing health during a mine run. It's too much to include within a game yet none of it really amounts to anything, especially the gameplay. There are three difficulties, but unlike Armada, they're not even that different aside from the number of continues you have. Oh and you can't revisit any levels since doing so requires you restart your save so you can meet up with any missing Transformers in the game.
What about the characters? There are about 104 Transformers to play as, and they're at least from the main three seasons of the show as well as the 1986 movie and even The Headmasters. Sounds great, right? Actually no. For one, they all fight the same and maintain the same stock-posture that doesn't make them feel unique from one another aside from the skins and way certain altmodes work. They can be upgraded to have better stats to ease the difficulty of the game, but the fact that there are far too many characters than there is Energon to refuel them scratches my head as to where my responsibilities should go with the ones I play with the most. Also, notice the lack of a "transform" feature on Ironhide? Unlike Megatron, Ironhide's not only missing a vehicle mode, but he's outright unplayable in this game along with characters like Prowl, Wreck-Gar, the gestalt leaders, and even the Dinobots of all characters? Why are these more popular characters not playable yet a foot soldier like Gnaw and the rarely seen Full-Tilt get to be playable? Also, Hot Rod's inclusion in the game is weird when he and Rodimus are the same character, yet the game adds a "Dark" version for the Decepticons for some reason along with some NPCs that add little to the game like the Optimus and Megatron clones as well as Soundblaster.
In terms of presentation, the graphics may seem okayish for PS2 standards, but the main problem comes from how they look next to the FMVs; normally, that's expected to occur as the FMVs require a little more work to make them presentable than in-game cutscenes are, so using the latter frequently helps when you're entering a level while FMVs would be used for some of the more important scenes. Unfortunately, there's a big contrast between the more dynamic character movement and camera angles compared to the static in-game cutscenes where characters flap their mouths while standing around and doing the occasional stock animation of pointing, shaking their fists, or looking surprised. It would be acceptable in the PS1 days, and now that I'm thinking about it, part of me feels this was meant for the PS1 before Winkysoft and Takara thought it'd be best to take advantage of the PS2 hardware without making the game feel functionally suitable for the PS2 with more animations and less reliance on stock material.
It breaks my heart that this game sucks badly. I'd say worse than the stuff that came before it, even Mystery of Convoy. Between how atrocious the controls are, how bloated the challenge is, and the lack of replay value, this game's appeal fades right away with repeated playthroughs unless you have very low expectations and are more of an optimist. What's also sad about this game is despite having an intro that gives you that "hell, yeah!" feeling, what you're actually getting is nothing more but the Superman 64 equivalent of a Transformers game. You should stick with the Cybertron games as well as Devastation. You should also stick with the Movie-tie in games. You should additionally stick with the TFP game and the Armada game. Hell, Beast Wars on the PC and PS1 isn't too bad in comparison to this kill screen. Before we move on, I want to thank Devasia Mentality.
3. Japanese G1 Spinoffs (Omni Productions)
I know what some of you are thinking: Omni dubs aren't official because they don't have anything to do with Hasbro, or Hasbro wouldn't allow them to be made. Of course, judging by their quality, that could be true if it weren't for the fact that these aren't actual fan dubs but were instead made by a company involved with dubbing films like Godzilla, Dragon Ball: The Magic Begins, and the many Ninjasploitation films of the past. Don't believe me? They were also televised in Singapore as well as Malaysia, and would later find official home video release in the UK, Ireland, and Australia. Only the US didn't get to have these dubs because of Hasbro's decision to not include them, but the reason why I have Shout's DVD cover is to also discuss the actual quality of these shows and not just the dubs.
Let's first go over the actual shows themselves. The Headmasters series serves as Japan's own continuation of the American cartoon by giving their characters different personalities than Hasbro's while also making new stories of their own. This is the one fans will recognize the most for the storylines that they felt would add a lot to the show they grew up with, but is otherwise fairly basic in story and kind of clashes with what's established. Masterforce almost serves as a refreshing story by standing on its own and depicts humans taking over the roles of the Autobots and Decepticons by essentially becoming the characters as either Godmasters, Headmaster Jrs, or Pretenders. This is the one fans might know for Overload and the Optimus Prime lookalike, Ginrai. And finally, there's Victory, the one that depicts newer characters not seen from Hasbro's toyline, with notable examples including Star Saber, Deathsaurus, and Liokaiser. Of the three, this is more kiddy-anime with its squeaky clean Autobots, super-evil Deathsaurus, and the fairly incompetent Decepticons (especially the Dinoforce).
These sequels sound like the kind of thing that'd get a G1 fan excited that the show they grew up with had a lot more to work with, and in Japan no less (I guarantee you that many people were obsessed with Japanese-originating media a lot more from the late 90s/early 00s). Headmasters itself looks fairly promising for those that want more out of the G1 cartoon, but the animation style is noticeable less alive than the G1 cartoon did, even when it has its weak errors. I also don't like how it tried to make the older characters either get treated like shit or do nothing despite showing fair levels of competence in the past; I get that it's a thing Japan does to say "your old toys suck, go buy these brand-spanking' new ones!", but it's pretty annoying when it especially gets one-sided for the Autobots HM's who have their goofy Head Formation while the Decepticons have a goofy totem pole that doesn't work. Masterforce is I guess the best of the Takara trilogy, but it starts having the same sort of super-robot anime that one would expect from Gundam, Voltron, or Macross, only it's in Transformers! I have nothing else to say about Masterforce's problems since it's otherwise alright for what it is. Victory, on the other hand, brings in the same sort of problems that Headmasters introduced, where it felt pretty-onesided in making the Autobots seem like they're the best characters ever and are totally better than the loser Decepticons, only this time it's true! It sucks when Deathsaurus seems like the only competent Decepticon compared to the rest of the Breastforce (yes) and Dinoforce (who are complete buffoons in this show). Sure, it's neat to have Sixshot and Ginrai return as Greatshot and Victory Leo, but they don't make the kiddy nature of the show itself.
Now had the shows not actually received these terrible English dubs, my opinion on the shows wouldn't change, but I'd at least be a little more accepting of them. But my God, where do I begin? I'll first mention that I cringe when people complain about the dub of a show for not being 100% faithful to a series or having "cool" voice actors, and I'm not a frequent anime watcher, but I'll at least credit a dub if the dialogue makes sense and if the voice actors do a good job with sounding distinct and trying not to force the emotion a little too much. Omni Productions went out with a bang, and not quite in a good way, as their dubbing team consists of some of the most mediocre performances I've ever seen! First of all, the voice actors sound worse than the ones used in the PS2 G1 game, whether it's Optimus Prime or Soundwave; additionally, while it's kind of neat to hear what the Japanese-original characters would sound like in English, they don't make for convincing executions and are on-par with the voices used on the Transformers that spoke English because of the scripts. There's Energon's "uh's", "you gotta be kidding me's", and "we've got to's", and then there's Omni's mildly tame language (Darn that Soundwave!), nonsensical lines (My name is Optimus Prime! I'm Japanese!), and weird decisions like having mouthplated characters speak with their mouths muffled, calling Fortress Maximus as Spaceship Bruce, and seemingly using one take only without any further revisions. This is especially noticeable in Headmasters where the already established character names are mixed up with weird ones that can either be translation errors or are pulled out of the dubbing team's asses.
All in all, these three shows are the prime example of how one's excitement for expanded media based on a show they loved would blind them from the actual problems within. I'll at least credit the Japanese audio for working well and somewhat salvaging the shows as much as they could, especially with the revised subtitles from Shout Factory. Omni Productions instead makes them seem like they're in the "so bad, it's good" category for how painfully bad the dubbing sounds when combined with the already strange context of these shows (and by strange I mean being a lot more outlandish compared to the more familiar G1 cartoon). They're great for inside jokes within the Transformers community, but they're otherwise examples of why dubbing like this deserves more shit than even 4Kids dubbed anime. Oh, and these two aren't from any of the three TV shows mentioned; they're from Zone, and they're worried about what's coming up next on this list...
2. Kiss Players/15 Go! Go!
This would have easily been at number 1 for many people (unless they'd instead bash some other franchise). Kiss Players is already infamous for obvious reasons, but not many talk about the word salad that is "Information Administration Teletraan 15 Go! Go!" unless they're in the TFWiki. Now, let's address the elephant in the room: These pieces of Takara media are some of the most NSFW that they've ever gotten. While Japanese media tends to have some of these naughty moments, even briefly in ones aimed at younger audiences (while remaining very tame), combining them with an established franchise like Transformers is on par with the quality of the porn cartoons found online.
For those living under a rock until now, I envy you. Kiss Players takes place between the events of the 1986 movie and Season 3, which already sounds weird but I'll get to that in a bit. Galvatron apparently crashes in Tokyo and damages the city badly, to the point where the EDC decide to outlaw Transformers all of a sudden. Rodimus Prime gives Magnus the Matrix and runs away as Hot Rod. Galvatron's cells reveal to have spread like a virus and turn things into the Legion. Marissa Faireborn, who is different from her appearance in Season 3 I might add, looks for the dead body of Optimus Prime and brings him back to life, and now he's in his Alternators body. Also, Shaoshao Li teams up with Hot Rod and the two have beef with the other "couple"; a random Autorooper is paired with some girl named Atari Hititonari. Yes, what you just read is the stuff that happens in Kiss Players, along with all the messed up hijinks that has never messed up a series so badly until now. Oh and the Position spinoff is a little "cuter" yet it still sucks.
I'm sure you might recall seeing people shit on anime for how stylized it gets and how it treats the female characters like luscious eye candy with their breast and butt sizes; I'm not against them and feel that the people enjoying them can do whatever they want with their waifus. What I am against is everything that's a part of the Kiss Players series. Let's go over the idea of having a Transformer get powered-up from a kiss...it's stupid. What about everything else past that? 3 times as stupid. We've got plenty of weapons and power-ups within the Transformers franchise, some of which vary from add-ons to new modes. Then you have shit like this, where they kiss their partner and turn into a transparent, nude version of themselves while moving alongside the body of the Transformer they're fused with. GOOD GRIEF. I don't want to hear people complain about Flame Toys Windblade or Firebird Nicee when this garbage exists. Then there's the sexual innuendo that runs throughout Kiss Players, including the Legion's Megatron head with tongues that look more like penises than the one Venom from Spider-Man has, and it also extends with stuff like Marissa putting cream on Prime's "Shift stick" or the missing panties that Hot Rod and Shaoshao find. Look, if I wanted to look up NSFW material, I'd rather pull up Pornhub and see a woman in the shower rather than read Transformers manga as nasty as this.
If that wasn't enough, then you're in for a treat for the way the Japanese G1 continuity worked. 15 Go Go was a little lighter on the unneeded perviness, but be prepared for how bloated the continuity gets in Japan. Apparently, this and Kiss Players were part of a trend where almost everything involved with G1 has to be connected. I already mentioned that Kiss Players taking place after the 1986 movie made no sense, but then there's stuff like Ravage showing up in his Beast Wars form taking some cutesy girl named Teletraan 15 with him and looking up all the history of the Transformers, to the point where they see G1 material, bits of Beast Wars, and bits of any other series they run into. This might seem like a minuscule fiction that could be taken from a fan's perspective of delving into the other worlds of Transformers, but its main issues are how it acts like it's a very important piece of material when it's on-par with the pack-in comics you'd find; it also doesn't help with how rare they are, so why even make them seem like they're pretty important for this headache of continuity when barely anyone would even want to look them up, let alone try searching for the obscure magazine they came with? I guess it's kind of neat to see a cool-looking take on toy accuracy, but it doesn't line up with the rest of the fiction and its obsessed nature of keeping things "connected". Oh and did I mention, stuff like this seems to be the inspiration for aspects of that dreaded Legends toy manga, just to really piss me off...
All in all, this shit's not just perverted in a bad way, but also makes the Japanese G1 timeline more of a goddamn headache than it has any right to be. I already mentioned how I'm not against adult stuff and even find it okay to enjoy it in a spare amount of time, but I'm not a fucking weeb; jacking off to action figures of lolis is about as bad as jacking off to furry porn. This motherfucker, known as Yuki Oshima, is responsible for the garbo I had to mention. It was all his idea to make this shit feel dirty as well as make you sit through manga that makes an already big continuity feel bloated. While I don't like the G1 series that much, I at least praise most of the works for having their own universes, with the best examples being the cartoon, Marvel comics, Dreamwave comics, and IDW comics having their own stories that don't require you to connect them whatsoever. And hey, you can use the first two universes and take ideas from each one to come up with whatever version of G1 exists the minds of the Beast Wars writers. And as for Yuki, aside from how perverted his work is, I can at least redeem him for his more Transformer-appropriate works, including The Creation Revoltech, illustrated some Shattered Glass artwork, and designed toys like Generations Arcee, Metroplex, and a handful of Masterpieces. Still, as redeeming as this guy is with his recent works, I'll never forgive him with his Kiss Players work and its absurd yet strangely addictive history regarding Piss Klayers. But as weird as it sounds, his shit's not the worst thing ever in my opinion...
1. Deviations
I mean, come on. Is this how low the choices can really get? I just want to start off by saying that I don't really hate IDW aside from their decision to make Megatron an Autobot and have the characters act like impulsive fools from time to time. Despite those issues, their early works have been pretty good, and I felt the final Unicron story arc makes for a neat conclusion to an overrated but sometimes decent take on G1. I also dug their works for the TFP-related comics as well as the Mars Attacks and X-Files spin-off comics. And their movie comics help expand on at least the main three movies as well as Bumblebee...until they don't feel too connected anymore...anyways, why did I choose Deviations over any IDW stuff that I hate? Let's break it down, shall we?
So what's the big deal with Deviations? Well, it's in an alternate universe where Optimus survives the fight he had with Megatron! Yes. Instead of making a story that would change at any other event and cause an entirely different chain of reaction, all we get is Optimus surviving his fight against Megatron while the Decepticon leader is the one that dies. And this is done because Kup stops Hot Rod from going into the fight...that's it? Is that what happens? Where did they get that idea, some fucking Alt.Toys.Transformers fanfic? And for all the shit people have with Optimus taking down his enemies in other TF media, notably the end of Dark of the Moon where he decapitated Megatron, HOW IS THIS ANY BETTER??? Oh, yeah, the death of Optimus Prime is totally prevented, though it doesn't mean that history is revised permanently; the real 1986 Transformers movie still depicts Prime's death and Megatron's transformation into Galvatron. In other words, this did absolutely nothing to "save" Optimus from what actually happened and feels more like a still-butthurt fan saying that their story is what should've happened.
As a result of this "change" in the story, Optimus Prime is still around and now the rest of the Autobots hate Hot Rod, with Optimus always being the one that people listen to and never call out now that he's alive. I get it, people were upset that Hot Rod got Optimus killed, but how is making the Autobots see him as shitstain going to be any better than what happened in the actual movie? It also feels out of character for Ultra Magnus, who otherwise had no real problem with the turbo-revving' punk in the actual series. The worst part is how the comic doesn't even care about the characters who made their debut IN the movie, which further adds to my suspicion that whoever wrote this junk probably hated the movie characters for replacing the other Autobots...which makes me wonder why he didn't begin with the Autobots stopping the hijack at the beginning.
What about the rest of the story? We get Megascream (neat concept, bad name), the 86 Autobots dying in a ship, Optimus going after the Quintessons with his crew because his death was bad, and suddenly, Optimus loses against Megascream's combined mode after plenty of panels where he's depicted as an untouchable character just to appeal to the crybabies still upset over his death...and then Hot Rod shows up to save the day despite his shit treatment...Did the people behind the comic forget about why they're making the comic or did they write this on purpose just to piss me off with their inconsistencies...I wonder. In terms of other complaints, the story doesn't really change after Prime's survival as it plays out similarly to the actual movie instead of coming up with a few changes that might as well include Optimus running around like Bart screaming "I AM SO GREAT!". Even the artwork's unable to save it, as it feels plain and doesn't know if it wants to look like the cartoon or look like a modern comic. Talk about an existential crisis with this shite comic.
And then there's this write-up at the end, where it's all about how perfect the 80s are as well as treat the G1 cartoon as if it's some masterpiece (to the point where he thinks it's better than modern cartoons despite a handful of them having superior quality overall). I think this writing is also missing Bart Simpson's "I AM SO GREAT" lines, too. Then he says that it was great to make an alternate version of the 1986 movie and basically begs you to enjoy what he thinks is a good story. I think I threw up a little in my mouth.
Looking back at the list I made for my most hated pieces of Transformers fiction, I can at least say that there are a few positives with each one, even if they start to decrease in quantity or have a very little redeeming factor in just the one good thing some of them have.
-Rise of the Dark Spark has some neat ideas, decent gameplay, and good visuals for at least the Cybertron designs.
-The Last Knight feels competently made in terms of visuals and the actors involved did a decent job with what they had despite the bloated story
-The G1 cartoon can at least have decent animation from time to time as well as good voice acting and the occasionally great episode here and there.
-Energon had a strong start, has better traditional cel-animation than Armada, and the voice acting with Garry and David are still good.
-Prime Wars slightly improved the pacing time went on (but only slightly) and had a couple of good voices from the likes of Mark Hamill, Jason Mornocha, Ron Perlman, and even Jon Bailey for once.
-Bumblebee's CGI is decent while Shatter and Dropkick were good villains and at least feel different from the other robots.
-Transformers: Tataki has music that was good (even if it didn't belong in Transformers) and had an awesome intro
-The Takara G1 sequels were passable if you only read the subtitles rather than listen to the Omni dubs and their garbo
-And Kiss Players at least gives you something that's actually shocking in a way for Transformers (as well as have the creator redeem himself with better artwork and designing good toys).
Deviations, on the other hand, is a terrible comic book from what felt like a weak year of Transformers in my eyes. The obsession with focusing on the 1986 movie's 30th anniversary was already annoying, but stuff like the lackluster Season 2 of the already lackluster RID15, the poor distribution with the toys, the somewhat dissatisfying comics from IDW, Combiner Wars being a bad show, and (worst of all) the overall lack of attention to Beast Wars' 20th anniversary can all be summed up with this image:
No comments:
Post a Comment